First, a small bit of housekeeping!
Greetings to my readers:
Changing priorities require me to dial back the frequency of Toward the Promise. It will remain the same format of the longer article alternating with the shorter observations, but only one issue per week. Thursday morning will be the target date each week.
Thanks to everyone who has given me feedback and asked questions. I invite you to engage in the Comments section or send an email to lanawildman@post.com.
Back to regularly scheduled programming…
Let me ask you something.
Do you regularly
Do everything necessary to avoid criticism or disappointing others?
Feel anxious about what others think?
Have difficulty saying no?
Have a hard time knowing or articulating what you really think, want, or feel?
Feel like your salvation is on the line if you don’t get it right?
Exist with no experience of lasting peace?
Did you know that there is such a thing as false guilt?
Good, Godly guilt is a Holy Spirit-prompted capacity to feel sorrow about our sins against God and others and ourselves. Good guilt is God-wired and is necessary to help us change our ways. Proper responses to true guilt about violations of God’s directives enable us take responsibility for our actions, which is necessary for attaining spiritual maturity and the freedom Christ intends us to enjoy to the fullest.
Proper guilt is remorse for a real transgression, such as blowing up at your spouse and kids after a lousy day. You know it was wrong; you feel bad. A humble apology and appropriate amends usually lifts the feeling of guilt.
Godly sorrow will drive you toward God in repentance and grateful humbleness. It will enable you to discern what needs to be done to repair relationships and worship God in spirit and truth.
An example of false guilt would be deciding to make a sheet cake for the church dinner, then starting to feel icky for not making your grandmother’s three-layer lemon cake. Your thoughts sound like They’ll think I’m lazy. They’ll think I don’t think the fellowship is worthy of the labor or love. This is no better than a store-bought cake.
Or maybe you feel like a failure because you can’t send the kids to school in all new outfits and gear every year. Or you teach middle grade Sunday School, but you’re convinced you need to quit before you lead the kids into sin because, despite your preparation and prayer, someone inevitably asks a question that you just can’t answer with complete confidence.
False guilt is never appeased. False guilt will keep you on the hamster wheel of uncertainty and desperation in your relationships. It makes God into an angry and disappointed father who is never pleased, who watches closely for each infraction so He can load on the heaviness and sense of condemnation.
False guilt is also sneaky.
I can usually talk a little while with someone or watch their behavior, and pretty readily see where they’re probably operating under false guilt. But I recently came to the stunned realization that I can’t see my own distorted thinking and the ways I wrap myself up with unreasonable expectations.
I put out a terrible issue of Toward the Promise last week because I felt so crappy emotionally. This crossed my mind: I’d just better quit the newsletter and stop pretending I have anything to say. No one needs me dumping my depression on them.
I have a dear friend who for years has felt devastated about a family situation, and doesn’t seem to understand the ways I suggest she might view it differently. So the other day, I was wracking my brain to try to come up with the words that would change something for her. I thought I need to make the space safe and clear for her to get some peace about this.
See, you’re reading those statement and thinking Silly girl, you had a bad week. Everyone has bad weeks. It’s OK to not be 100% all the time. And Your friend needs to grieve and do her own processing; it’s not your job to fix her.
You’re right. You can see it, too. But I had to dwell with ickiness for a while before I realized what I was doing to myself.
False guilt keeps us in bondage to lies that distort our understanding of God and continually place our relationships and intentions on precarious footing. We live in shadows and fear. But God is not about shadows and fear. He is about vibrant relationships in which we serve one another and boost each other along. He is about our increasing intimacy with Himself. But the one thing that will kill intimacy is the sense that you’re being judged and found wanting.
Can you relate?
The next time you’re feeling guilty about something, spend some time with these questions.
Is this about something that God definitely calls sin? If it is, what do I need to do?
What is the worst-case scenario if I do what I’d rather instead of what they want me to do, or what I think they want?
How do I know that’s really what they’re thinking?
Why is it my responsibility to make them feel OK?
You might have to dig deep to decide if it’s a sin according to the Bible or a sin because of some of the messages you got growing up. It might feel like you’re tearing up sacred ground with reckless irreverence.
Remember, true guilt will enable you to see clearly and focus on God and what He requires. False guilt will stir up stress and put your focus on your behavior and on other’s reactions.
God is ready to forgive and restore and draw us to Himself. He doesn’t stand over us looking for the slightest infraction to punish. Yes, we need to act right, but I’m convinced that much of the guilt burden we walk around with is of the devil. Satan knows that if he can keep us paralyzed with guilt, trying to get everything right, analyzing our behavior for the smallest imperfection or offense, we’ll be otherwise ineffective in the Kingdom.
I’m convinced that God’s grace is much wider than the broadest spectrum of sin we can imagine. His forbearance of our weariness and limitations is vast and more than able to carry us into safety and rest.
The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust. Psalm 103:8-14
If you find yourself driven by a great deal of false guilt, please know that you can be free of it, free to live in the guidance of the Holy Spirit. You can begin to walk in peace.
It doesn’t have to be a big struggle. Just frame some intentions around the following suggestions and set some reminders to check in on how you’re doing from time to time. Keeping journal around this might be helpful as well.
Let God know you’re ready to have Him show you the ways you carry false guilt, from the suffocating burdens to the annoying little things you’ve picked up that you just don’t need to carry.
Ask God to reveal to you just how much He loves you and exactly who He wants you to be in Him.
Trust that God wants this for you and that He’ll lead you into freedom from false guilt.
Ask God to point out the lies you’ve come to accept as true that drive your sense of guilt.
What you experience may be uncomfortable, may feel a little out of control. It’s OK. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re doing something right.
Give Him time to touch the things He wants to peel back for you.
Give yourself grace to not catch on perfectly right away.
Keep moving toward the promise.
As always, if you would like me to pray along with you—for anything—please email lanawildman@post.com.
Toward the promise,
Lana
If you want to get this newsletter in your mailbox and you aren’t, you can sign up here!
Go ahead and share this post with someone you think could use some gentle encouragement.
Guilt means you're doing something wrong, right?
Phenomenal read. Perfect timing. The question that resonates right now is: Why is it my responsibility to make them feel OK?
Thank you for this!