It’s been a tough month. Frustrations about plans not going according to plan, being out of the house more days of the week than we can handle well, lots of pain. John lost two dear, dear friends last week, one of whom was lifelong—childhood physician, close to his family, on the phone with every week until now. Last Thursday we made the most dumbfounding, eye-rolling, You cannot be serious [Oh but she is!] discovery and we’re now looking at this thing we have to deal with, poking it with a stick like a dead thing rotting on our kitchen table that we’re not sure how to even grab it so we can get it into a box or something and out to the dumpster.
I’m still shaking my head.
And then other developments erupted that seem to shove even more important plans onto the shelf of Yeah, that’s not going to happen, either.
But early last Saturday, while I was sitting and thinking of everything on my to-do lists, I decided not to.
I put those lists aside and just was for a while. Let the frustration and weariness hang there with me, slide into it a bit. Didn’t plot my strategy for coping, just sat and marinated in the reality that some people can be incredibly self-centered and mindless, that some people really can’t put two and two together and arrive at four. I admitted to myself that it’s all a bit much and I was done pushing back.
For a while, I leaned in.
Fear-tension-pain
Part of the wisdom that doulas and birth coaches usually bring up to their expectant mothers is the fear-tension-pain cycle. This phenomenon was first considered in practical ways in the 1930s. The basic premise is that when there is fear, the body tenses up in an effort to avoid or reduce that pain, and the tensing of muscles serves to amplify the pain. The heightened pain confirms fear, and so fear increases, and the physical-psychological cycle heads around again.
While I can’t speak for this in terms of childbirth, I have seen the fear-tension-pain cycle play out many times. Chronic physical pain produces an undercurrent of muscular tension, which drives further pains. Avoidance of physical activity deprives the body of its God-given painkilling capabilities that come from motion and distraction.
And it’s no surprise that new studies come out frequently showing the ways psychological pain also can serve up the same self-perpetuating cycle. People endure a mental or emotional blow, respond with attempts to escape or mitigate the pain, and in so doing create further unintended issues. I believe many people exist in a train of emotional pain triggers and avoidance behaviors that serve only to cut them off from a satisfying life. Whether life-consuming issues or hindrances that seem like they should be easy to navigate, unprocessed stuff adds an often-unrecognized burden to getting through the day.
Doulas have expectant mothers educate themselves about the physical pain they can expect during labor. They teach them what the differing sensations indicate that their body is doing, detailing what’s normal and expected via credible, medically-based information instead of the horrifying labor stories that strangers feel compelled to share. Birth coaches provide a wealth of options to deal with physical pain that can be chosen ahead of time according to personal wishes regarding medications or not. Additionally, they share ways each mom can lean into the pain and work with it instead of resist it, so as not to be overcome by it. Breathing techniques, targeted relaxation, certain exercises, elements of a physically comfortable environment, a supportive partner and birth coach…there are many things that expectant mothers can do to ease the potential anguish of childbirth.
In the same way, there are lots of tricks pain management professionals can show those with chronic pain conditions that they can use to reduce physical discomfort and increase their enjoyment of life. Sometimes it involves medications, but a lot of good comes from staying as active as possible and engaging mentally, emotionally, and socially with others. Biofeedback, meditation, and other practices can help individuals cope with unrelenting physical pain before they need to reach for the medicine bottle.
Fear is a natural response to pain and stress—think flight or fight. It’s necessary at times, for the cues it sends us to get out of situations that are perceived to be harmful. However, fear—around both physical and psychological pain—can also be a tool to teach us about ourselves, our expectations, how we think, what we value.
So how do you embrace the pain? How can you lean into the distress of life and not be swallowed up? Perhaps it looks like this.
Don’t tense up
Don’t resist it.
Feel what you feel—don’t deny it or minimize it.
It won’t kill you. It may feel like it will kill you, but it won’t
[If you are suffering physical harm, do what it takes to get to safety.]
What do you fear?
Loss of companionship, meaning, possession, comfort?
Loss of control, physical control, safety, knowing what’s next, being sure you can cope with it?
Loss of self-perception or reputation, success?
Is it a real threat? What would that actual loss mean for you?
Let the pain tell you what’s important to you that you sense is threatened.
Listen
Now pay attention to the things you hear yourself saying. Question those ideas. Find out what’s prompting those thoughts.
Ask God to tell you what you’re truly concerned about, because the answer that initially seems obvious may not address the deepest issue.
Seek answers to the questions that bubble up.
Tell the truth
Do you need to adjust your thinking? Do you need to begin to tell yourself the truth instead of repeat things you’ve never examined? Are you responding to God’s truth and reality truth or are you being triggered by cultural and social pressure, interpersonal bitterness, or adversity prompted by the devil?
Ask God what’s going on, what to do. Listen. He’ll tell you if you really want to know.
Take your time
Give yourself time. Time to sit with God, sit quietly with a notebook for jotting down your thoughts. Over days, over weeks…time to lay things aside and revisit them at less stressful times, when you’re able to look on from a safer space.
Give up expectations of what resolution looks like.
Give yourself permission to not be OK for a while.
Sitting Shiva
Practicing Jews hold a tradition of mourning called sitting Shiva. Following a loved one’s death, the family and close friends gather for a period of three to seven days to sit with one another and experience their grief.
Outwardly, those sitting Shiva reflect their low feelings. They sit on low chairs or stools to signify sinking into their grief. They let their physical appearances reflect their loss and humility: lack of makeup or shaving, no socks or shoes, sometimes torn clothing. Mourners do not go to work or seek entertainment to pass time. The point of the whole period of sitting Shiva is to focus on the grief and acknowledge the loss rather than to try to fill the void and deaden it.
The community is invited into the house of Shiva to mourn with the bereaved and to demonstrate their support. They allow each mourner to express what they want to express without censure, to talk or not talk, to bring up the topics they want to bring up. The visitors create a safe, supporting space for the bereaved as they allow their lives to come to a standstill.
At the close of Shiva, the mourners take a walk to signify moving forward. The following 30 days are a period of Sheloshim, during which the mourner re-engages in life at a slower pace, continuing to reflect on the loss and adjusting to the reality of new empty spaces and severed connection. Sheloshim is a bridge between death and life.
There is nothing magical about three days or a week or 30 days. A week of Shiva and 30 days of limited engagement might sound like torment in our action-oriented culture, in addition to probably being outright impossible. But a personal practice of sitting Shiva, looking our pain, fear, and loss in the face, can be a gift and a relief. To me, it seems indispensable.
This too shall pass
This glib saying doesn’t mean the pain or loss didn’t happen. It does not mean that the impact on you is measurable or not important. It doesn’t mean that life will go on unchanged—we all know that’s not true. It just means you won’t always be overwhelmed.
Remember that part about the doula and supporting partner during birth, the community support in grieving. Seek true and wise help, professional help if necessary, if the pain is deep enough and you just don’t know how to start.
Practice stillness and acceptance, not the stiffening of resistance.
This I know, if we do not lean into the pain, we will never be free of the cycle.
Toward the promise,
Lana
P.S. I really appreciated this article detailing just a few of the ways chronic psychological stress wreak havoc on the body. Thought you might like it, too.
A musical obsession
I wasn’t sure I’d ever share any of the musical I enjoy—not sure why. But I’m newly obsessing with Pentatonix lately, so here we are. This acapella fivesome began with an arrangement for a high school contest, and solidified in winning The Sing-Off 2011.
Things to know
4 guys and one gal, accounting for a bass departed from the original group and his replacement
8 albums, mostly covers of popular hits (3 Christmas albums), although their 2021 release is mostly original
Nearly 100% acapella, including percussion, trumpet, and electric guitar, excepting the occasional piano and cello and maybe a little reverb in the studio versions
5.14 Trillion views and counting on Youtube
Soooo easy on the ears, satisfying to hum along to
Go ahead—click Repeat
A few of the favorites
Hallelujah (Yeah, that one)
Come Along (Wanna dance?)
Coffee in Bed (Newest album, current obsession. The bass line and the beatboxing percussion… take a listen. You won’t believe they’re people and not a drum kit and bass guitar.)
Amazing Grace (Chris Tomlin’s arrangement. Goosebumps)
Direct therapy for me, on the occasions I can afford to stay up late and binge listen while I play Solitaire. The beats, the melodies, the way their voices layer and weave around each other’s in mesmerizing patterns…. I frequently don’t care so much for the lyrics, but auditorily, they put such order and beauty into the chaos.
I don’t know. To my knowledge, only Kevin is a professing Christian. I wonder what God thinks of their arrangements of traditionally Christian songs like Mary, Did You Know? and Amazing Grace. I’m sure He takes pleasure in the ways they’ve worked hard to honor the voices and skills He gave them. What does He think about the soaring sounds of worship from hearts that possibly don’t acknowledge Him?
Does He mind that I self-medicate with Pentatonix when I reach a certain point? I haven’t pressed in much about this. I half don’t want to. You might understand.
Through the Bible in a Year Reading Plan and Challenge
We change over to two new books this week. We’re through with the first five books of the Old Testament, which is pretty ponderous. Go you! I’m appreciating the smaller chunks of the stories of Jesus.
Be advised that the daily divisions at the start of Luke are a bit odd as printed on the website download. I’ve divided it up to make more sense here, although you’re smart folks—you can figure things out.
Sunday, March 21 Catch up and reflect
Monday, March 22 Deuteronomy 26-27, Mark 15:1-26
Tuesday, March 23 Deuteronomy 28 Mark 15:27-47
Wednesday, March 24 Deuteronomy 29-30, Mark 16:
Thursday, March 25 Deuteronomy 31-32, Luke 1:1-38
Friday, March 26 Deuteronomy 33-34, Luke 1:39-80
Saturday, March 27 Joshua 1-6, Luke 2:1-20
Question for this week’s reading: What’s your favorite new thing you’ve discovered in your daily reading so far? Let us know in the Comments.
Here’s the link to last week’s issue Thoughts about evolution
If you want to get this newsletter in your mailbox and you aren’t, you can sign up here!
Go ahead and share this post with someone who would appreciate it.
Lana and John, I'm so sorry for the loss of your 2 dear lifetime friends.... that is very sad.
Yes, good advice about slowing down to deal with the emotions that life brings... more important than a to do list. I reread several times about the "dumbfounding discovery... dead thing on the kitchen table". I think you are speaking figuratively, right? Quite a metaphor. :-)
Sincerely,
Julie